i lost my cat

a 29 year old's take on losing his cat

well bella i know you’re scared you’ve got to be. i would be. anyone would be. you’ve gotten out. you must be having fun but to me it just seems like you’re being tortured somewhere by people who curse my name in the deepest dark.

how do i pull you out from the thick? mama, babygirl, bella b. find your way back to your father. i know you must want some water or food. your favorite toy is still here. i’ll move my underwear off your perch. i’ll vacuum and mop the floors.

…i’ll clean the litter box.

i’m saving up each dollar to get you the finest (most decent) place. well, us. i’ve done it before i can do it again. with Gods help, grace, and His Spirit in my heart. i will give us a home, bella.

i’ve had two cats before you. moonlight and taula. i never told you about them. maybe it was shame, guilt, sheer regret. either way- it stayed buried inside. but now that i feel i may have lost you. i owe this to you. the truth.

it was about three years ago. i lived with my best friend at the time, managed a local starbucks- life was decent. oh wait- well, besides the fact my meth addiction was budding- bearing its teeth in the fabric of my day to day life. but for me then, that was my personal secret “anecdote”.

one night, my roommate picked me up from closing starbs. and there they were- two little fur babies. just as small as my palm. an all black kitten and a tabby kitten. i took the black one per my roommates request. she wanted the tabby. she named her taula. i named mine moonlight. eventually she ended up moving back in with her parents and not bringing her cat with her(?) leaving me to now take care of two cats i had never initially planned on owning.

i never saw myself as a pet owner. i never had any of my own. never sought it out. i always knew what it entailed. the work part at least. what i didn’t expect was the connection. the emotional dependency. i loved those girls. now- rewind to the glamorous meth addiction part.

^{Moonlight & Taula}

my position at starbucks went kaput. of course. and then slowly everything else in my life too went kaput. no one wants a meth head around, even if they didn’t know that’s what i was yet.

i didn’t even want to admit to myself that’s what i had become. i ran from everything that made me human: my family, my faith, my close friends… my cats. the two little lives dependent on me.

the kind of psychosis drug users are in is one that doesn’t lift until the drug no longer influences the body. it’s a deep psychosis. it’s life altering. my life is utterly altered due to the two and a half year long psychosis i was in due to meth amphetamines.

during a fit of maybe withdrawal or having lost another job due to failure to even show up- i surrendered moonlight and taula to animal control. i don’t speak on it these days. it hurts a lot to think about. i carry them with me every single day. and bella, my baby girl. i would never do that to you, you hear me? i miss you every second you’re gone. and i hope in writing this maybe God will see it fit you come back into my life.

i saw our future together. spending christmas in our own house. you jumping on any counter you want.

^Bella

anyways, i’ll get the litter box cleaned and your water bowl filled to the brim. i’ll be waiting, bells. i love you.

thanks for reading.