ever-changing, the cataclysmic scope of events

a 29 year old's take on the story of his life

solid. that’s just how it’s going to be. i’m making sure of it. this week has been nothing short of troubling. what with bella still being missing and my moving endeavors having taken a new form- i’m oddly… okay still(?)

now, i won’t hold you- the dormant hum of a crash out lays just beneath my surface. but for the first time in my twenties, dude- i’m not giving it air. i’m holding myself accountable for my circumstances. on top of my already mad stress: well, first- you guys remember in my “i told you i relapsed” article- _{*see below*}

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i spoke about how people ^{[with evil in their hearts]} will use a recovering addict’s addiction against them. to either threaten their sobriety, for defamatory purposes, or like- just to be a bitch. well. on top of my daughter being MIA still- some TOAD went online to gather all the other wenches who don’t necessarily love me to “cancel” me online. my reaction was a proud moment for me.

first i want to bring up how the online comments came into my corner of the world. because it is important and i may expand on this later- but i have two long time friends. i say long time, not close mind you. however, one of them only really talks to me when i have something horrible going on. and when she does talk to me about these horrible things she’s always snickering. the other friend simply doesn’t care what i say or do for the most part. they both only appear when i’m at my lowest or at my highest. is that weird?

but when i need them just to talk to, or to vent to. when i text in the groupchat- i’m met with nothing. i’m always met with nothing. it just feels very one sided. and then when we do all speak- it’s contentious. like, who needs that when i’m already at such a low point. even when i’m at a high point they can still be contentious. it’s draining. as someone who loves these two individuals- i had to distance myself from their dynamic. it’s better this way.

i focus more on me. my family. my craft. but blah. i’m getting sidetracked. back to the online comments: so it was one of my rage-baiting friends who sent all the screenshots. it was daunting to see the fabricated version of the real events taking place in my life. the events i’ve been telling these two friends about for months now. and now that they’re seeing me be slain online- i have their attention again. so i turned off my phone. for the whole day. no blocking, no retaliating, just logging off.

crazy because i never wanted attention, really. i want support and love and they’re not good at showing that here lately. i luckily have gotten close with two boys _{(calm down y’all)} that i’ve been working out with every week. that brotherhood is something special. the way they’ll tolerate my vent sessions no matter how crass or animated they may be, send me reels, tiktoks, but still text to check on me (that’s super important). like why are we just sending memes and not using our brains to send a welfare text? i swear this generation acts so cooked sometimes. but back to the boys. well, the (workout) boys is what we call ourselves lol

i guess i’m writing today to deal with the ever-changing cataclysmic scope of events that transpired this past week. and i’m sure will bleed into next week. i can’t think of a romel by forty line today.

^{The Sacrifice of Isaac - Caravaggio (on my projector at home)}

as always, thanks for reading.